I am (not) Legend

To someone special,

I was really happy with the way that our conversation today turned out. There was no major upheaval between us. That’s good considering we disagreed on some things. As you know, I’m a thinker. And there’s some things you said rolling around that I need to express.

The difference between a writer and a hack is that the writer speaks from the heart and the hack is just following a formula. Writing might be therapy, but it’s constructive therapy. And I’ve been to enough meetings to know that you can’t find this at the nooner. Most people share their war stories, bullshit and unsolicited advice. It’s not the same and you know it.

The main thing you said that keeps coming up is about how I ask the people closest to me for validation, for approval, but they don’t see it. You don’t see it. People who barely know me, like this lady here (read the comments), or my friends: they can see it, but my family and loved ones can’t. I’m not pointing the finger. I just think that is sad.

What my friends see is a huge amount of potential going to waste. What my past girlfriends saw was a lack of confidence in myself. It’s why they left. What you see is someone who thinks they have something that they really do not. That actually says more about you than me.

You said that if someone were to look at your life, they might say that you had it all but then you gave it all away. I think you traded comfort for authenticity. The longer you’ve been sober, the more I see the real you coming out. You can’t hide behind compromises and what passes for common sense. The real you won’t settle for less than the real you.

If you want a legitimate answer to why I feel this way, it’s because I don’t want to wait 35 years to figure that out. From what I understand, God gets a little pissed when you just bury your authentic self in the ground. It’s a feeling like “wake the **** up!” not “I’m a little irritable today.”

It might be all about me, but I want to show my kids that they can make something out of themselves. They can be exactly what they want to be. They don’t have to compromise. Tell me, what’s more important: that they have the latest toy under the Christmas tree or belief in themselves? They become what they see and not what you tell them anyway, right? If they see a broken man, what will they become?

Last thing: you said I was a good writer and not a great one. Believe it or not, I’m not offended. I strive to be competent, not comprehensive. Great writers generally starve. People study their works in a literature class after they’re dead. Good writers are real people. Stephen King is a good writer, but he’s not a great. James Joyce, he’s great, but how many people pick up Finnegan’s Wake for some light reading before bed?

You were right about a lot of things today. Maybe I need some angst to really get the juices flowing. What I was really asking today is that you invest in the potential you see. That doesn’t mean money. It means faith. Go back through this blog and my other one. Read it. Compare it to some of these other people out there blogging. Make a rational critique. Then help me make the most out of this talent. It’s what I do for my kids. It’s what I’m asking of you.

Love,

Ned