Do you suffer from being Perfect?

There’s the saying “nobody’s perfect.”

But we sure do give it a shot, don’t we?

Perfectionism causes more misery in this world than we likely realize. We’ve all had that boss at work who looks like he’s about to have a coronary because something wasn’t done right.

Or how about that ride home from the office? None of those people know how to drive as perfect as you.

Have you ever dated someone that told you everything you are doing wrong from the way you brush your teeth to the way you argue together? If you haven’t, I’m free this friday. 

Do you find yourself counting the number of mis-spellings, run-on sentences or just plain bad English you find on some of these blogs (guilty as charged)? How many times do you go to write something, you got this great idea, but you sit there staring at a blank screen? Are you waiting for the ghost of Hemingway to take over your body and type this masterpiece? (Where’s my ouija board?)

Here’s a list of suggestions I’ve compiled for someone else (not you, of course). Maybe you can mail it to your favorite perfectionist without a return address. God knows, he’d go ballistic if he found out who wrote it.

1. Remove “must”, “should” or “need to” from your internal monologue.

This is from the psychiatrist Albert Ellis, who created Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT).

When that guy cuts you off in traffic, you (unconsciously) tell yourself, “People shouldn’t drive like that around me.”

Just by (consciously) changing that sentence to, “I wish people didn’t drive like that, but sometimes they do,” can reduce the level of anger you feel.

“Must”, “should”, and “need to” are all signs of absolute thinking. We’re injecting irrational (unrealistic) rules in the workings of reality, which causes our emotions to take over.

If you get this one, the other suggestions become obvious. 

2. Stop trying to control other people or events.

Most of us have a model in our heads of how reality should work and an external world that doesn’t work that way. We try manipulating or directly ordering people to act like the utopia in our minds says they should.

Certain situations are ‘unacceptable’ to us and when they happen, “heads are going to roll.” There’s always someone to blame. Alcoholics are famous for this one.

It sucks being that kind of person. You are never happy because nothing ever lives up to your standards of happiness. The answer to this problem is to accept people and situations as they are and work on changing yourself. It’s amazing how happy you can be when people are being idiots and the sky is falling.

3. Stop trying to know everything and start experiencing.

Have you ever met someone who thinks they know everything? Some people call them teenagers… or doctors. They know how to solve your problem even though they have never actually had that experience. They tell you exactly what you need to do and God help you if you don’t do as they say. When I meet one of these people, I run… fast. I’m not going to lie to you. People like this are scary (like ‘Hitler’ scary).

At some point in my life, I realized that computers store data and human beings have experiences. I can tell you how I solved a problem, but I can’t tell you how to solve your problem. Some problems I haven’t had and some solutions won’t work for you. It’s your job to determine what works for you and what doesn’t.

4. Quit labelling people.

A person who commits a rape is not a rapist. A person who tells a lie is not a liar. A person who gets mad is not an aggressor. A person who feels sad is not depressed.

This is a subtle way of judging other people and ourselves. We tend to embody the label we have been given by society or the one we give ourselves. This label can put a dark tint on our perception. Consider a person who lost the spelling bee in second grade and calls himself a loser. How does that affect all of his other experiences in life?

Before you send me hate mail about the rapist comment, I’m not saying we should ignore people’s behavior. I’m saying that labelling people because of their behavior can perpetuate the very problem we’re trying to solve.

5. Allow yourself to be wrong.

This kind of goes along with knowing everything. I have the bad habit of thinking I’m always right. I’m better these days about which battles I’m willing to fight. I always ask myself, “Is this worth it?” or “What do I get for being right?” 

I’ve learned this through years of frustrating experience in relationships:  a woman is always right. My girlfriend is the worst driver I have ever met, but it doesn’t compare with her ettiquete as a passenger. So I let her take the long way to work and drive 15 miles under the speed limit. We have a very uncomfortable couch. 

There is no booby prize for being correct (is that a Freudian slip?). What you ‘win’ for being right is loneliness. If you are looking for a mantra, get yourself some prayer beads and repeat, “I’d rather be happy, than right.”

Here’s a bonus suggestion: Allow a mess.

This goes against another post I wrote about cleaning and that’s why I’m adding it here.

My girlfriend used to live with her brother while she was going through college. He kicked her out of the house because she left a toothbrush sitting in the livingroom one morning. It was the toothbrush that broke the camel’s back.

None of us want mold growing on our dishes or a CD collection that was arranged by a grenade. But the law of entropy in the universe  says that all things will fall apart. Why take your frustration with Mother Nature out on those you love? My girlfriend hasn’t talked to her brother since that time, which is sad.

And if you live with a dozen cats, ignore that last suggestion.

May you have an imperfect day.

(I’d rather be happy than right. I’d rather be happy than right. I’d rather be happy than right.)

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